(so psyched, cannot believe my blog has lead me to fulfill my dear abby dreams!)
yesterday I received this email (in pink) and below it (in blue) is my response.
Yea, games are just so not me…they don’t work. I like to believe that the guy I eventually end up with will not be a reformed stringer situation, but a relationship that has a normal natural progression:
Meet, date, like, relationship. love, engagement, move in, marriage, newlywed, move to burbs, & then children (sigh)…seeing my dream life in writing makes it seem so far from my reality.anyhow, i love offering my non-professional expert advice to others. makes me feel like all of the f’d up relationships i’ve been in are good for something 🙂
it sucks when you realize that you’re stringing yourself along. that’s when you’re accepting the blame for your own demise & you realize only you can put an end to the madness that is all good for him & totally sucks for you. i feel you on this. have had this convo three million times in the last year. i think its because guys our age are in their BS prime, while we’re truly ready for more. here’s what i’ve FINALLY come to realize (in 2009) about men, dating, ‘demands/requirements’, games, and making the right decisions for yourself.
Historically, I have been last on the list for girls who can play games. I don’t like to hold out s*x if I like you. I don’t pretend to be busy when I’m not, hell, i’ll even cancel plans to make myself more available (as to not seem like a ‘hot girl’ who is always in the streets). All of this, because I thought relationships should have a natural flow. I shouldn’t have to play games because when the right guy comes along those games won’t matter. But after accidentally having a couple real talks about this very issue with guys in the same week (God winks), it finally clicked…at least for me, and the type of guy, i’m interested in (driven, competitive, paid, swagged out, hot, etc)
this type of man is interested in a challenge. he has been raised to think that anything worth having requires hard work: sports, job, lots of $, and women are also included. he wants what few have had or could get. they value the challenge because they associate it with ‘worth’.
I’m pretty sure I should be jaded by men by now, but i’m not. I seem to meet one great guy after the next – they’re definintely out there – just not necessarily ready to settle down (lol) but you can’t knock them for that really. Hell, i’m not sure even if I were a challenge, that a number of these awesome guys i’ve met, would’ve committed to me. I actually, highly doubt that, because if they’re not mentally ready to commit, it won’t magically happen because you’re a challenge. BUT if they are open to a relationship & you don’t require hard work, they won’t settle with you, but the next girl who has standards for herself. (it makes them respect you more).
Either way, having standards (not demands) would just save you (us/women) time because they would not have put in the effort to meet standards that you set in the first place. They would have naturally fallen out much earlier than the 2 year drag that stringers do.
So what are the requirements? Hmm…i battle with this as well.
I think the #1 priority is definitely not to sleep with anyone until you’ve discussed the relationship. If you don’t feel comfortable being ‘that girl’ who asks ‘where is this going?’ than you really shouldn’t feel comfortable giving him your body…(ugh! who have i become??) It sounds all ‘self righteous’ but it’s really just a matter of ‘self-respect’. Any man who claims to not understand the ‘hold out’ isn’t worth your time anyway. In the long run, no one will ever look down on you for having self-respect.
Other than the sex thing, I think the best strategy is to fall back. It’s truly the only way you know his level of interest. If you’re calling/texting/emailing him, how do you ever know if he would take that initiative on his own? I can think of sooooooo many times that i’ve been dying to call a dude, but I don’t, because I want to see how long it would take for him to reach out to me. Sometimes it’s much sooner than I would’ve guessed (which is always fun!) and other times the dude practically falls off. I also like to use this strategy because I don’t like calling people when they’re busy doing something else. When he calls or hits you up, its because you are clearly already on his mind (and he can give you the attention you deserve).
Use your gut to feel out the situation. Also, if you have quality friends who give good advice, as painful as it may be, just listen to them. When our instinct is all clogged up from love goggles, our friends’ instinct kicks in for us (unless they’re a friend who gives bad & selfish advice, NOT that friend). If you think a guy is full of sh*t, he probably is. If you think a guy is really into you (because his actions say so, not his words) than he probably is. We don’t pay attention to our instinct/friend’s advice as much as we should….
I’m no expert, i’m clearly single, but i’m feeling like the next batch of dudes who come my way will have a totally different Kim to deal with than my past revolving door of men 😉